As you see in the attached chart, I have a stellium in the 1st house — Neptune, Venus, and Sun in Sagittarius (also Ceres and Juno, if counting asteroids), and Mercury in early Capricorn.
I also have a Kite formation: Pluto conjunct the North Node in Libra in the 10th house, Moon conjunct South Node in Aries in the 4th (also cj asteroid Eris), Mars in Leo in the 8th, and Neptune in the 1st.
Jupiter, my chart ruler, is exalted in Cancer in the 7th house, opposing Mercury — the DC ruler — in Capricorn. Saturn sits at 0° Virgo at the very top of the chart, conjunct Regulus. (I’m not sure if Royal Stars have a place here. If not, please ignore)
Other notable conjunctions:
– Antares rising on the AC
– Aldebaran on the DC
– Sun conjunct Galactic Centre
(and maybe not significant but personally intrigued)
– Betelgeuse between Jupiter and Lilith (though it’s a bit wide, feels like a part of Jupiter/Mercury opposition cluster, and I feel drawn to it especially it’s going supernova *soon-ish*)
– Asteroid Lucifer (the light bearer — not the Satan) exactly on the AC (again I don’t know asteroids are considered seriously here, but I feel very strongly about this particular placement)
To me, it feels like a chart, maybe not easy but full of vision, transformation, and insight. And yet, my life has been marked by unspeakable and often invisible hardship — emotional neglect, betrayal, isolation, displacement, loss, and a chronic sense of being unseen, even though I seem to draw attention from others, both positive and negative (Neptune/AC, Pluto/NN?). I carry a strong sense of purpose and creativity that has never found a home despite acknowledgement (studied at a prestigious art university, received scholarship, etc.).
Importantly: I am not someone who clung to comfort or feared change. I’ve made drastic moves — across countries, cultures, and languages — repeatedly letting go of safety, belongings, and even identity to pursue a freer, more meaningful life. My suffering does not come from fear of life. It comes from trying again and again to enter life, only to be met with inexplicable blocks, erasure, or indifference.
Most painfully, since childhood I’ve had a deep longing to learn a particular language and move to a specific country. No matter what I do, everything seems to sabotage that journey. Instead, I’ve been stuck in the country next door for 18 years — a place where I feel erased, where the environment seems fundamentally incompatible with who I am, and in truth, is an invisible oppression that gives me no options nor space to breathe. It feels quite like a dystopian nightmare. My soul’s destination lies just across the border, while I languish here.
So I ask: what in this chart explains such enduring inner and outer blockage? Is it the retrogrades? (Jupiter, Saturn, Mercury, Mars, and Chiron are all retrograde.) Is it the Mercury–Jupiter opposition? The fixed stars? The Neptune rising, and its foggy impact? What do you think of the retrograde Mars square Uranus? And Moon-Pluto opposition — I wonder if this has something to do with how I often end up supporting others but thanklessly, and also the disastrous family dynamic?
I’m currently in a Jupiter return — but each of my three Jupiter returns so far has marked the end of a phase and the start of renewed instability. None of them brought expansion — only degradation. 12 years ago, I married and spent a house-arrest-like stagnancy in this country where I am already stuck. Now curiously, I am observing some changes in my environment. But given the track record I am taming my Jupiterian happy-go-lucky optimism.
Now, Saturn and Neptune are transiting Aries, forming a T-square with my Mercury–Jupiter axis. It feels like a perfect metaphor for my life: expression, vision, purpose… continually fogged, distorted, or blocked by collective systems or psychic forces beyond my reach.
I don’t approach astrology with superstition. I don’t expect it to predict miracles or doom. But I do ask it for insight into the shape of a life. And after nearly half a century of this despite sincere effort, and finally all the stress beginning to catch up with my physical health, I wonder: is this how it will be for the rest of my life?
My inner world is vibrant, thoughtful, creative — full of reflection and pain-transformed-wisdom. But can that really be all there is? I’ve written novels, studied philosophy, history, art, tried to live with depth and intention. Yet no matter where I go or what I do, there’s this constant pattern of “wrong place, wrong people, wrong time — and wrong gatekeeper.” There is no foothold. Just chronic detours.
And I find myself — not out of melodrama, but in exhaustion — asking: if this is all there is, is it more dignified to end it than to keep being erased? (I’m not in danger, just thoughts) I never imagined I would arrive at this thought. I wanted so much to live fully. I wanted to love life. But I feel I’ve never been allowed to begin.
If you’ve read this far, thank you!!! I would welcome any thoughtful interpretation — especially anything that looks beyond surface-level astrology. I gave it a try, as you see, but as an amateur, it’s difficult to capture the entire shape of the chart without getting lost in the many details.
