You’re hiring for a new role at your company, your long-time friend happens to be in the market, you know the wonderful work they’re capable of, and boom. Great success can follow when you harness the power of a caring and supportive relationship to achieve your professional goals. But with unclear workplace dynamics and a power differential now entering the group chat, it’s also possible your once-steady friendship could be disrupted… or even destroyed.
Here’s how both your business and relationship can survive and thrive amid this major change.
Meg and Nicole: From best friends to boss and employee
Meg Behrens and Nicole Haisma first met at Lafayette High School’s freshman class orientation in summer 1998, striking up a solid friendship that continues to this day. When Behrens, founder and principal designer of Meg Behrens Design, was looking to bring on an additional designer this past year, Haisma and her functional life experience instantly came to mind.
Haisma designed the space and created the vision and aesthetics for In Bloom, a Paso Robles, CA restaurant she co-owns with her husband Chris. She also is a real estate broker who spent years staging homes and updating kitchens.
“I kept hiring junior designers who were great at drafting, but they needed a lot of direction,” Behrens says. “Running the business was already a full-time job, and I love the creative side too—but balancing both was overwhelming. I really needed someone with strong creative instincts and the ability to communicate well with clients.”
After collaborating on a test project, designing In Bloom’s tasting room Nix Cellars, Behrens officially hired Haisma to work for her firm on a per-project basis.
“With no risk, there’s no reward,” Haisma says. “We both kind of talked about how we could define the roles and delegate certain projects and we [thought], ‘Why would we not?’”
Leadership consultant and psychologist Vincent Miles believes a key benefit of hiring someone you have a pre-existing relationship with is that you truly know that person and their quirks.
“You kind of know what you’re getting with that individual, where their strengths might lie and there’s less unknowns [than] if you’re hiring someone completely random.”
With previous new hires Behrens sometimes felt they were taking her comments personally, not as constructive criticism.
“It’s just completely opposite with Nicole, where I can tell her what’s up and the job gets done,” Behrens says. “We already have that comradery… [and] I’m not going to hurt her feelings over it…. sometimes I feel like you’re stepping on people’s toes, but at the end of the day [it’s] your vision [and] you need it done correctly.”
Arizona-based Behrens and California-based Haisma often collaborate over FaceTime and phone calls, addressing at the outset if the conversation will address a project or their personal lives. That’s helpful, Haisma says, in order to show up in the right role.
“We kind of set those expectations,” Haisma says. “And so [we] can show up and just really be supportive depending on what we’re trying to have a conversation about.”
While someone else in the organization might feel apprehensive to float a new idea or voice a concern, given their lower position or limited tenure, Miles says that with a preexisting friendship, the subordinate position might be more comfortable speaking up.
Haisma is often able to take that approach with Behrens.
“[Nicole] might even say something to me like, ‘Oh, I don’t know, I kind of feel like we should go this way,’” Behrens says.
Given their relationship and the foundation of trust they already have, Behrens will then consider Haisma’s suggestions.
But be careful…
Miles thinks that the hiring person could easily fall into the trap of seeing their friend as an idealized version of an employee, or even a perfect one.
“We have to remember that they’re going to make errors and leave space for that so that we’re not frustrated,” he says.
To maintain a peaceful environment, Miles says a boss should help set their friend up to be treated like any other employee.
“It’s really important that that individual is seen by their peers as an equal without preferential treatment, without any kind of favor.”
Haisma and Behrens believe salary should be discussed in advance, as finances often can be an uncomfortable topic.
“You need to be very direct and you need to set the expectations for the involvement and the amount of work that you’re doing and the compensation that you’re going to receive,” Haisma says.
To make sure you come to an agreement, Miles suggests navigating from a boss’s perspective rather than that of a friend’s, or bringing Human Resources into the negotiations. And if you’re unable to involve a third-party, Miles agrees with Haisma that communicating clearly is critical and will help take pressure off the relationship.
“For example, I’m not giving you a salary range or something specific because of how I feel about you. I’m effectively saying, ‘This is what the business can support. This is what would be fair and comparable.’”
Even if things appear to be going well, Behrens still advises that you have an exit strategy.
“Just have that clear definition of, ‘Hey, if it doesn’t work… it’s not going to ruin our friendship,’” she says.
Still, that friendship will evolve. Miles says you might encounter a different version of your friend when they’re in boss mode.
“They might not be as soft or willing to hold your hand at times. And that relationship or that individual’s emotions might kind of ebb and flow based on how business is going.”
If like Behrens and Haisma you both are able to roll with the changes to your relationship hiring a friend will bring, you can also reap the many rewards.
“I can become a better designer because of the things I’m learning from Meg,” Haisma says. “And then some of the things that I’ve just been doing along the years, Meg is like, ‘That’s a cool idea….’ So we’re making each other better… owning our strengths, [and] pushing each other to keep expanding.”
Photo from fizkes/Shutterstock.com
