The average American divorce can take anywhere from a few months to a year, according to LegalZoom—but your career won’t wait while you navigate the legal, emotional and logistical realities of this challenging time. As a professional, you’ll still be expected to produce business results, regardless of what’s happening at home.
At the pinnacle of my corporate career, I was going through my second divorce and didn’t have the resources I needed to remain present as a leader. As a result, I became a part-time CDC© Certified Divorce Coach to manage my own pain and help clients excel at work while their personal lives were chaotic. Doing so helped me discover productive ways to let go of the emotional turmoil that otherwise crept into my workday while being kind to myself.
Here are 10 expert-backed tips to help you thrive—even while you’re going through a divorce:
1. Create email boundaries
The divorce process generates an onslaught of emails with attorneys, therapists, coaches, and even mortgage brokers and financial planners. But mixing these divorce-related emails with your professional responsibilities can be distracting, confusing and overwhelming when you’re trying to focus. To prevent this, “create a new email account designated for these communications and only check [it] at certain times during the day outside of working hours,” says Shana Vitek, equity partner at Chicago-based firm Beermann LLP.
She also points to apps like Our Family Wizard that organize divorce communications in a separate space from your other emails and text messages. This can alleviate the fear that a toxic email might derail you during an important meeting.
2. Use work as a productive distraction
Mindy Mackenzie, CEO advisor and author of The Courage Solution, encourages reframing work as an opportunity to thrive in an environment where you can “solve problems you know how to solve.” She adds that “divorce can be this interminable, illogical process with people at their weirdest—[but] shifting the focus [to] solving manageable problems at work can put you back in a seat of power.”
Vitek adds that her professional clients typically have an easier time getting through a divorce because they have a place to emit positive energy. “Focusing on your responsibilities at work can be a welcome distraction and provide a sense of stability when your personal life feels chaotic,” she says.
3. Own your experience
Mackenzie explains that divorce is a great liberator, and you can decide to be at your best. “Write a daily mantra to avoid a doom loop of being a victim or a judge,” she says.
She also recommends declaring the experience you want to give yourself and writing it on the bathroom mirror every day. On a workday, this might be an empowering mantra about showing up as your best professional self. Try things like, “I will prioritize my greatest good today” and “I will remain present.”
4. Compartmentalize your tasks
Santa Rosa-based therapist Angela Sitka, LMFT, says that overthinking and worry are intrinsic experiences of the divorce process that can bleed into your work life. “You might catch yourself reading the same email three times without absorbing it, having difficulty making even small decisions or feeling mentally drained after only a few hours of work,” she says. To alleviate this, she recommends dedicating separate time toward divorce tasks so they don’t mix with your work.
Personally, I found that using a comfortable spot at my dining table for divorce-related responsibilities worked better than managing them in my home office, as it helped me mentally compartmentalize. Many of my clients use different notebooks, and even different pen colors, to separate their to-do lists.
5. Assemble a supportive social circle
Sitka advocates for proactive communication and asking loved ones to support you. “It might be asking for help with picking kids up from school… [taking] paid time off… or just having a friend in the car with you as you drive to your ex’s for moral support,” she says. Most people will show compassion, especially if they know what kind of support you need.
6. Communicate with your employer
Many of my clients want to enforce strict boundaries to keep their personal and professional lives separate. While this is understandable, according to Vitek, “Your employer will likely need to know once your divorce is finalized, as you may be doing things like changing your name, modifying insurance coverage [and] transferring retirement money or other benefits. In a litigated divorce, your employer may be served with a subpoena in the discovery process, and it can be helpful to give them a heads-up before this happens.
“You don’t have to share the details,” she adds, “but this will allow them to support you and be more understanding if you don’t seem quite yourself at work.”
7. Make time for movement throughout the day
“Doing something active can help bring you back into the present moment,” Sitka recommends. “When we bring our attention to our bodies, there is less space for intrusive thoughts, which can be a welcome break.”
To give yourself time for this, schedule 15 minute breaks on your calendar. During this time, you can take a walk around the block or stretch on a yoga mat, if you’re working from home. Allowing yourself this space will make the other hours in the day more productive.
8. Absorb new perspectives
While you’re in the divorce process, diversify the content you consume. For example, I used my 45 minute train commute in the evenings to decompress with books and podcasts that made me think about my future rather than marinating in the painful past.
Mackenzie recommends focusing on your whole self during divorce recovery with books like The Happiness Advantage by Shawn Achor.
9. Be kind to yourself
You probably won’t feel like your best self every day at work. “You might get tearful after a minor inconvenience, snap at a co-worker you normally don’t have problems with or… feel emotionally exhausted after a short after-work gathering,” Sitka says. She recommends using compassionate language and “remind[ing] yourself this is a stressful time in life—anyone in your position will have similar struggles.”
10. Celebrate the small wins
Finally, it may be easy to forget how well you’re actually doing. To help remind yourself, write down three things you’re particularly proud of each week and share them with a friend, therapist or coach. These might be small wins like, “I didn’t rage email my ex while I was at work” or “I made it to yoga class today.”
Mini achievements inevitably lead to larger victories—and no matter what happens, it’s important to celebrate you, the vibrant professional who is working their way to a brighter future.
Photo courtesy of fizkes/Shutterstock.com
