Navigating family politics during holiday gatherings is a challenge many face, but with the right strategies, you can preserve your peace and enjoy time with your loved ones. Family politics can be particularly challenging during these times.
When Politics Divides – Navigating Family Dynamics During the Holidays
This holiday season is slightly different from those in the recent past. On the one hand, families are able to get together in person again, but on the other hand, in light of the recent American elections and other global events, it might be more awkward than ever for them to sit together at holiday gatherings. Family politics can make these gatherings more tense than usual.
Political Polarization Can Split Families Apart
It’s not uncommon for there to be members of varying political stripes at one holiday dinner. This can create a certain degree of tension at the family dinner. This year, especially, it’s more difficult because emotions are running high. Political polarization has never been greater, and people have extremely strong feelings about their own candidates and those from the other side. Engaging with family politics requires careful handling to maintain harmony.
How do we handle it, then, when members of our family have political opinions that are vastly different from our own? Can we deal with a relative who wants to talk incessantly or aggressively about their views when we find these views to be upsetting or even reprehensible?
How We Handle Political Differences Depends on Our Personal Relationships
I think that, in part, it depends on the relationships we already have with one another, aside from our political differences. If there’s basic trust and respect between us, it’s easier to be understanding and tolerant regarding each other’s political views, and it’s also easier to express our differences of opinion without creating defensiveness or hurt feelings.
However, if we already have difficult relationships with someone in the family, it can add an additional layer of stress to the family gathering. Family politics can intensify if a family member has always been cold, hostile, critical, or condescending toward us, making it that much harder to tolerate them going on about views that we find to be incorrect or offensive.
When Beliefs Collide: Political Controversy
It’s clear that our relatives’ political views must be seen in the context of the overall relationship we have with them. When the relationship is sour, hearing them spout political views that are upsetting or offensive to us is like rubbing salt in the wounds of an already painful interaction.
When we have a good relationship with a relative whose views differ from ours, it’s usually pretty comfortable to speak out and express our own opinions, knowing that at worst, it will lead to a lively discussion.
If we already have a difficult or challenging relationship with a relative, and we know that their political views are very different from our own, we then have to decide how to deal with the holiday season.
Six Ways to Deal with Family Politics and Polarization at Holiday Gatherings
Don’t Get Together
We might choose to avoid family gatherings altogether. This is a rather drastic option that needs to be well-thought-out in advance. We don’t want to deprive ourselves of connecting with all of our loved ones just because we find it awkward or unpleasant to be around one or more challenging people.
If we’re going to stay away from our family over the holidays, we should make sure that the benefits of avoiding everyone outweigh the disadvantages of missing out on the holiday season with our entire family, not to mention potentially hurting people‘s feelings and/or making everybody wonder why we’ve disappeared.
Gathering Gracefully Or Political Holiday?
If the family member who has very different political views is a bully and wants to shove their opinions down everyone’s throat, and most especially those who disagree with their views, we might try to avoid only those gatherings in which they’re included.
If they’re included in every gathering, we might choose to sit at the opposite end of the table or hang out in a different room. We might get up and casually wander off when they start ranting, and in general, steer clear of them. This way, we can engage in conversation with the people whose company we enjoy and appreciate.
Candles, Carols, Political Conflicts
Depending on our family’s overall tolerance for conflict, we may or may not decide to say something when one of our family members expresses an opinion that we find ridiculous or offensive. Dealing with family politics during such moments requires nuance. We have to decide whether it’s worth it to speak out and whether or not this will make things better for us and for those around us.
We have to take the temperature of the room. If the majority of our family members have different political opinions than we do, and we want to spend the holidays with them regardless, we might choose to remain quiet while they’re speaking about politics and then subtly try to steer the topic of conversation onto something less contentious.
We should only do this, however, if we’re comfortable with remaining silent. If someone says something that is intolerable, and we’re comfortable risking a confrontation, then we can speak out and express our point of view as clearly and respectfully as possible.
It Hurts When People We Love Endorse Political Views That We Hate
When it comes to differing political views, it can be painful for some of us to realize that people whom we love are capable of thinking so differently about things that matter so much to us.
We can feel hurt and disappointed with these individuals. We can harbor a powerful hope that they could change their views, and we might be tempted to try to “make them see reason.”
Instead of this, it might be a good idea to ask them what makes them think this way. Showing curiosity rather than anger could potentially initiate a more meaningful conversation about our political differences.
Even though it’s upsetting to see the people we love expressing opinions that we hate, part of being a family member is accepting each other for who we are, even when we think that the other person is terribly misguided. Of course, this doesn’t mean that we suppress our own voice when we feel that it’s important to speak out.
Make a Conscious Choice to Avoid Politics
If we find that approximately half of our family is on one side of the political spectrum and half is on the other, or if there are just a few very loud and aggressive people who say things that are offensive or provocative, we might decide as a family not to bring up politics at family gatherings.
Prioritize Your Mental Health
Regardless of the season, we always have to prioritize our own mental health and wellness. So, if most or all of these options aren’t possible and we feel that we just can’t attend our family gatherings over the holidays, we can instead spend time on an individual basis with those loved ones who we enjoy the most, and with whom we can have respectful and non-contentious conversations, no matter how much we agree or disagree politically.
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About the Author
Marcia Sirota MD FRCP(C) is a board-certified psychiatrist who does not ascribe to any one theoretical school. Rather, she has integrated her education and life experiences into a unique approach to the practice of psychotherapy. She considers herself a realist with a healthy measure of optimism. Sign up here for her free monthly wellness newsletter. Listen here to her latest podcast. mariasirotamd.com
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