Many people experience gift-giving anxiety or feel discomfort with receiving gifts. This emotional stress can quietly affect relationships more than we realize. If you dislike giving or receiving gifts, there could be any number of reasons you feel that way. Whatever they are, you can learn to feel more comfortable about this important element of many relationships. This includes partnerships and marriages, friendships, and grandparents/grandchild relationships.
Understanding Why You Dislike Gift-Giving and Receiving
Understanding Why You Dislike Gift-Giving and Receiving
One reason you might dislike giving gifts is worry that the gift won’t match up with what the recipient wants or likes. Gift-giving anxiety plays a significant role in this worry. If you’re not as tuned in to the other person as you would like to be, you might find yourself increasing the number or cost of your gifts. This might happen out of fear that otherwise, they won’t be appreciated. Parents and grandparents might be competitive about who is the best gift-giver. This competition often occurs in the eyes of their children or grandchildren. Stress over gift-giving can create a sense of resentment at the expectation that the gift be “just right.” The expectation might be the recipients’, but it might also be the giver’s.
Why Receiving Gifts Can Feel Uncomfortable
Some people dislike receiving gifts. They might believe that they are undeserving of presents. They might worry that their response will disappoint the giver because they won’t necessarily be able to muster a broad smile and expression of happiness upon opening the gift. If what they receive happens to be something undesirable, or a duplicate of something they already have. In that case, they might worry about having to pretend they are excited about the present. Such situations can induce gift-giving anxiety for both parties involved.
The Pressure of Gift Exchanges
When Giving Becomes an Obligation
Sometimes, people give gifts with the expectation that the other person will give them one in exchange. If the recipient doesn’t feel comfortable spending a certain amount of money on a reciprocal gift or has no idea what gift to buy the other person, they might inwardly sigh. They might see it as an unpleasant obligation foisted on them. That might be the case even if they like the gift itself. Such expectations contribute to gift-giving anxiety during exchanges.
Emotional Challenges Around Gift-Giving
Childhood Conditioning and Lingering Feelings
I have found that both gift-giving and receiving can bring anxiety, guilt, and disappointment. I remember an air of tension in my childhood home whenever my brother and I would sit side-by-side, ripping open packages under the Christmas tree. We were excited about what surprises lay under the wrapping, only to find socks and shirts our practical stepmother had chosen for us. My feeling of having to please the gift-giver with appropriate excitement and gratitude still lingers for me.
To choose a gift that someone will like, consider their interests and what they already have. We can do our best to find the perfect present yet discover that it wasn’t right after all. Excessive worry about choosing what to give and getting it exactly right can make us forget that it’s the thought that counts. People tend to appreciate a gift-giver’s genuine commitment to pleasing them. This is done by generously giving them something the giver thinks the recipient will like.
Redefining What Makes a Gift Meaningful
Presence Over Presents
What is the best present you can give or receive? Many would say it is the other person’s presence and willingness to listen to them without judgment or interruption. When I was a child, I enjoyed my grandmother’s present of baking cookies with me. My grandfather’s present of taking me fishing was also cherished. These experiences cultivate memories free of gift-giving anxiety. Those special gifts made me feel seen, heard, and loved.
Occasions such as birthdays and holidays might inspire a gift-giver to try to make up for neglecting their relationships. A recipient who picks up on the gift-giver’s attempt to redeem themselves might be upset. They might wonder why, once again, they are receiving a wrapped object instead of what they most want: the gift-giver’s time and attention.
If you feel strongly that you want someone to have a gift to unwrap, you might want to consider making a booklet of coupons. The recipient can exchange these for your time and attention. You might also simply write out a promise for a special event or evening. Then, place it in a box and wrap your gift.
Really, It’s the Thought That Counts
As a gift recipient, when you think about the gift-giver’s intentions, you might feel your appreciation for the gift grows. This feeling can overshadow your sense of awkwardness about receiving it. That might be true even if the gift is one you don’t particularly like. And when you remember the reason for giving someone a gift, such as wanting them to know you value them, it will be easier to avoid perfectionism. You can stop worrying about whether your present is a good match for the other person’s interests and wishes.
How to Reduce Gift-Giving Stress
Questions to Help You Heal Your Relationship With Gifts
If you experience stress when you try to choose gifts for others and fear that the gift isn’t “just right,” you might want to answer the following questions to reduce your stress around gift giving.
Regardless of whether your gift to someone is “just right” or not, do you trust that it will still be appreciated?
Despite any other gifts you might bestow upon the people you care about, how could you give them the gift of your time?
Regardless of whether a gift to you from someone is “just right” or not, do you typically feel a sense of appreciation?
If there are times when you don’t feel grateful after receiving a gift, why is that? What are the circumstances that make you feel unappreciative?
What would the consequences be if you mentioned to the people who typically give you gifts the types of gifts you truly desire?
How do you feel about those consequences?
If you sometimes feel uncomfortable receiving gifts you like, why is that? For example, do you feel undeserving of presents? This may also relate to gift-giving anxiety.
How might you simply accept a gift without worrying about reciprocating?
How might you simply accept a gift for what it is and feel gratitude for it?
If you are willing to give yourself the gift of freedom from stress around gift-giving, consider closing your eyes, meditating, and asking your stress, “Why do you show up when I give gifts?” or “Why do you show up when I receive gifts?” Waiting for the answer.
Then, ask these two important follow-up questions: “What do I need to give up being less stressed about giving and receiving gifts?” and “What do I need to take in to be less stressed about giving and receiving gifts?” By accessing your unconscious to learn more and to get help releasing something problematic and bringing in something beneficial, you might reach a place where you no longer dislike giving or receiving gifts.
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About the Author
Carl Greer, PhD, PsyD, is a retired clinical psychologist and Jungian analyst, a businessman, and a shamanic practitioner, author, and philanthropist, funding over 60 charities and more than 2,000 past and current Greer scholars. He has taught at the C.G. Jung Institute of Chicago and been on staff at the Replogle Center for Counseling and Well-Being. His new book is Go Within to Change Your Life: A Hidden Wisdom Workbook for Personal Transformation. Learn more at CarlGreer.com.
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