Networking! That dreaded word used to make me shiver and reach for the booze—back in my drinking days.
As a New York City playwright, performer and chess teacher, networking was inescapable. I’ve been a performer since the age of 3, so I’ve been through decades of networking events, with their perpetual plates of greasy spring rolls and darting eyes searching for someone more important. But I was no better—networking became the corrosive lens through which I viewed everything.
Arguably, networking is critical to success. According to survey data from Reventify, 55% of respondents said that “referrals were a big part of what helped them land a job interview.” The same survey found that “44% of jobs are not posted online.” Knowing this, I made myself show up at every event where someone with the power to decide my worth might be—until I couldn’t anymore. This resulted mostly in increasingly demoralizing exercises in humiliation, from which I’d stumble to the closest bar, neck-deep in shame.
It took me years to understand that there was a different way, where centering honesty, curiosity and authenticity could help me create an ideal networking match.
A shift in perspective changed everything for me
Creative approaches won me some residencies and productions. My favorite British director, whom I approached at a show post-bow, commented on a script I’d written and then attended the opening night premier years later. But networking still remained an unsustainable, nerve-racking roller coaster for me.
As a neurodiverse ambivert, I struggle to find my stride, especially in groups. I’m horrible at small talk, and pitching my work once horrified me. But today, I truly feel excitement when networking with others, which makes sense. After all, relationships are “the key to a happy life.”
Networking is valuable enough to set aside a few hours each month for—providing you set yourself up for success. Here are the practical strategies that transformed my approach from dreaded obligation to energizing opportunity, each building on lessons I’ve learned across my unconventional career path.
Learn—then hone—your skills
Shortly after accosting my favorite director, I talked my way into becoming the artistic director of a large new performance venue. Championing it and our artists gave me a sense of validity that my own work still couldn’t.
As a former chess prodigy who competed in a male-dominated world, I had developed skills in strategizing and positive outcomes, which are crucial for networking success. But when it came to leaving the chess board, these skills remained largely untapped.
Networking is a skill that anyone can learn. When I no longer viewed it as “self-promotion,” the psychological stakes dropped for me, as did the anxiety. Rejection stopped feeling so personal, and I was then free to rediscover my enjoyment of forming authentic connections with others.
Chess had already shown me how two people locked in competition can create a glorious game together that neither could alone. Now I saw the same could be true for networking.
Offer solutions
When I later returned to advocating for my own work as a freelance writer and opening a grant consulting firm, I had a solid view of my worth, knowing that, just like in chess, we all have our part to play. Promoting myself meant offering a solution to someone’s needs.
Meredith Noble, co-owner of Learn Grant Writing, recommends viewing networking as looking for an opportunity to solve someone’s pain point: a win for you, a win for me, a win for everyone.
Set yourself up for success
Now that you have the right mindset, it’s time to create the conditions that make networking not just bearable but also productive—or even fun. These practical adjustments to how you approach networking situations can dramatically reduce your anxiety while increasing meaningful connections.
The following strategies helped me avoid both psychological and practical disasters by focusing on what truly matters:
- Aim to win: According to Harvard Business Review, those with a “promotion focus,” who strive for positive outcomes rather than anticipating negative ones, increase their success rate by 17%: “If you believe you can network, it’s more likely that you can.”
- Be selective about events: Conserving your energy is important, as is research. Showing up at one well-researched event that aligns with you—whether that’s due to its cause, speaker or even audience—will garner more success than running to 10 that don’t match your values or interests.
- Prioritize authentic relationships over important contacts: Kat Gabrielle, founder of The Well Work, shares that her most valuable connections resulted from real conversations with people who were genuinely interested in her work or shared similar values.
- Focus on quality connections over quantity: “Instead of chasing the most ‘important’ connections,” Gabrielle adds, “I focused on the people who… genuinely cared.” This tactic led her to build global partnerships and redistribute millions of funding opportunities to her community.
- Find your driving force: Ashley Lynn Priore—who at age 14 founded her nonprofit Queens Gambit using chess to train the next generation of leaders, then started her strategizing consultant company Queenside Ventures—counsels against choosing your meetings based solely on whoever might say “yes.” Instead, she recommends researching thoroughly, then asking to hear their stories—but only if you truly want to.
I’m not going to be everyone’s cup of tea, nor will they be mine. Experience has shown me that authenticity, discernment and a lot of courage create the environment for my best connections, not the scarcity model of twisting myself into a pretzel when someone’s craving snacks.
Be curious
Priore says that some of her best networking moments have come from being honest and curious. Next time, rather than focusing on what you’ll say about yourself in an upcoming meeting, try Gabrielle’s technique of wondering “What can I learn about someone else?”
Noble adds that curiosity, beyond banishing nerves, leads to work. “Curious conversations… can lead to learning about someone’s need and how you might be able to fill it.”
Prepare well
Preparation is key. Being well-informed makes you stand out and positions you to turn any situation into an opportunity. This strategy is essential both on the chess board and off.
Being flexible in your thinking and willing and ready to adapt swiftly when responding also increases the likelihood of networking success. Changing up your work routine or location occasionally can help you as well.
At 17, Priore wanted to meet with the then-CEO of the Obama Foundation, so she strategized carefully, knowing that research and a compelling email were her best shot. It worked—and the CEO’s mentorship ultimately planted the seed for her winning an Obama Foundation Fellowship years after his departure.
Make success happen and don’t give up
Creative problem-solving and tenacity are key to networking, and chess taught me that anything is possible. As Priore shares, “Chess helps create the how.”
Noble demonstrated this by creating a nonexistent position for herself monitoring stormwater in college after identifying a need. Being curious and tenacious about discovering companies’ pain points and offering solutions then led to her multimillion-dollar grant-writing career.
On the other hand, Gabrielle created a vibrant community of 25,000 founders from marginalized communities and attracted major corporate partnerships via “nontraditional networking techniques.” Rather than chasing investors, she “leveraged thought leadership to attract aligned partners before making direct asks.” By regularly sharing insights about funding barriers for Black women and nonbinary founders, she positioned The Well Work as a trusted voice and created “momentum around a mission that people wanted to support,” drawing funders to her.
“By the time I made a direct ask,” Gabrielle shares, “they were… already invested in being part of the solution.”
Ask about the how
The summer before Priore left for college, she decided to send a daily email to somebody in a position of power whom she genuinely wanted to converse with. Her goal was connections, curiosity about others’ experiences and mentorship.
“Don’t add what you want to get—lead with a carefully worded email with an intriguing fact [and] ask to connect,” she advises. “[This shows that] you know about their experiences and that you’re interested in hearing their story and advice.”
Noble codifies this with her Organic Networking Framework:
- Create an outreach list of 20 people who genuinely interest you—don’t hold back.
- Host outstanding informational interviews where you listen carefully to identify their challenges and pain points.
- Offer a small deliverable that provides immediate value once you understand their needs.
- Execute excellently to solve the correct problem.
- Deliver your work and propose implementing a larger solution.
By repeating this process, you’ll plant more seeds to continually harvest.
Last fall, after losing faith in a personal project, I reached out to writers I didn’t know whose work and careers I admired and asked them to share their experiences. Their generosity helped me regain momentum—and even after that, they stayed in touch.
Demonstrating your value and establishing credibility repeatedly is exhausting. That’s where building your community can come into play, as well as recognizing that we don’t all come to networking from the same place.
For marginalized folks—like BIPOC individuals, who often have a harder time with networking—Gabrielle notes that “networking can feel like entering spaces where we have to justify our presence.” Instead, “prioritize relationships where you feel seen and where the connection isn’t based on proving your worth.”
Noble reminds us that “your network is your net worth”—but as Gabrielle points out, that’s not the same thing as your community. The latter is “rooted in a shared experience… trust and authenticity.” Prioritizing making connections in your community is just as important as strengthening your network.
Networking is about connection
My networking transformation began when I stopped viewing others as gatekeepers to my success and recognized areas where I could take meaningful action. My background as a chess player, teacher and artistic director had already equipped me with valuable skills: how to strategize meaningful connections, listen genuinely and foster others’ visions alongside my own. The missing piece was overcoming my fears about success and envisioning positive, sustainable outcomes through shared curiosity and respect.
Today, networking isn’t about collecting business cards or making awkward small talk over lukewarm appetizers. Instead, it’s about creating moments of authentic connection with others, discovering pain points and collaboratively finding solutions while being open to learning the surprising places they may lead.
Photo by Anchiy/iStock.com
