the last five years or more (last 2/3 years were more intense due to Saturn transiting my Scorpio sun sign and my Sade Sati that ended last year when I turned 20) and now I thought it would feel different with that ******* in my 2nd house, but I’m feeling worse.
I have a natally Venus retrograde in Scorpio (which will come out of R by progression in almost 1.5 years) and it’s the ruller of my 10th and 2nd house. I imagine that’s why I’ve always felt of no value, unfeminine, stranger of my body and kept attracting those reminders; also couldn’t bring myself to excellate in something (except for writing which came off as an unpolished talent, won some national contests during highschool and that was the peak of my efforts and active stress). I am scatterbrained, I started off so many activities but never finished them (5h house gemini). I became easily discouraged and fearful and that’s really standing in the way of applying for a job. I fear I couldn’t handle them bc I’m slow to learn and my inhibitive awareness is easily triggered. I quit before I even start and if I make one step I drown. These are not just feelings and thoughts, I have evidence for them. I am too tired to struggle like I used to but at the same time I fear embracing my stupidity and living like that. I fear my future and that I’ll disappoint my older self. When I did some hypnosis sessions and I had to look back to the younger me, I cried because I couldn’t protect that little girl from all of this. I am very sorry that none of this, none of the circumstances she was born matched to what she deserved and I can do very little for her. I am powerless.
My…interest, mental energy and my responsiveness are very related to my emotional state. I know it doesn’t count as a conjunction but I feel my Moon and Mercury really connected. They are at 8 and 21 degrees in Libra and they are both afflicted by Saturn (minor aspects). My Moon is in the last degree of my 8th house, semisextiles Sun and Venus, sextiles Mars, semisquares Jupiter, inconjuncts Saturn and Mercury in the 9th house semisextiles Jupiter, sesquisquares Saturn, squares Neptune (0 degrees) and Uranus. And that’s it. Much damage, little support.
Saturn is R in Pisces 2nd house (in vedic astrology is in the 3rd of Aquarius) and I believe this is what causes my anxieties, my delays in responses/mental processes as in…some cases I perceive more than I can deliver/formulate/articulate in my mind/speech. Even when I write poetry it is always ..that kind of work. I try to create pictures of what I have in mind so I can’t feel like I’m using very much my intelectual capacity. It’s funny cuz I struggle even in my own language to have coherence. Sometimes I just have the ”feeling” but I don’t have the words. Sometimes I understand more than I deliver but many times I find myself to be totally off..as in “where did you come up with that? so wrong.” I understand things different than it’s logically supposed to. I can’t speak, think or make use of what I know without being very self-conscious. Although I am not a total hermit (I think I’m some sort of a people-person at my heart) I feel very confortable being lonely and depressed…bad habbits grow on me easily. I like to go out and enroll at different workshops, courses when I finally manage to do so. I like the idea of learning different things and meeting people but in reality it feels and it is a drag. A nightmare. My body is always on the fight or flight response. I am very awkward and react totally different than my intentions. I feel a wall between me and the rest and the fact that I acknowledge this makes me even more nervous and can’t focus properly to give my best in each situation.
And the problem is that this is not only happening in social situations but also when I’m alone. I can’t master anything by myself. I have a lot of questions. I could be a normal introverted person whose emotional/mental system may be clouded only when not feeling confortable being exposed to people but apparently I’m never confortable. Last years were like I’ve been in trance. I can’t focus and now I find myself not wanting to! I lost interest and I can’t find it anywhere. I can’t study at least the little way I used to, I can’t prepare myself to gather my will and go through what I have to do even though I want to, even though I feel terrible for not doing it and I’m not saying like any other human being says it’s just procrastination…I know the difference between delaying and this. I feel awful and I kind of punish myself because I feel always guilty. I can’t rely on myself for anything. I can’t promise myself or anybody else anything. I am very nervous about my mental abilities, my memory, my judgement. I fail even at small tasks like eating properly (I feel like I use this unintentionally as punishment. I have iritable bowle syndrome and gastritis which makes my life hell when I’m in public. I barelly could stay at courses cuz anxiety and extreme temperatures give me stomach rumble) or having a proper hygiene or being in time. I am always late. (Resistance at leaving the house).
I can’t understand how people manage to get motivated even though they dislike what they have to do …but especially when they have something in mind and are very determined to do it. Statements like “When I set my mind on something…when I want something, no matter what I manage to get it.” or “I don’t like it, but I had to do it” now amaze me.
I had weeks where I’d just stay plugged in to the computer and ignore everything else. I can’t force myself to sleep because I don’t feel good to sleep in this state. I search for entertainment (basically my main preocupation now), stand up comedy and I feel like I take everything less seriously but in a bad way (progressed Sun in the last degree of Scorpio). I give up so easily. This discouragement, sadness I feel it doesn’t belong to me, it just came and live inside me or at least it seems like that…maybe it grew gradually It’s been so long I honestly don’t know but the fact that is bothers me this much (bothers me is little to say) can’t be just ‘something normal we all experience’ (mom blamed my love life for turning me into this lifeless whatever it is; I am naively romantic to the point of getting wraped in my own idealistic versions of reality and this lead to disasters, imagine the idiocy…but the roots of this bad outcome must have been always there, it just activated with time.) And the other part of this is due to the fact that I had my disappointments in school because I’m the type who needs guidance, care and ecouragement. I am very anxious when being challenged and very angry with myself for not meeting the standards even if the standards may be mediocre to others. My mind is a cloud, I don’t have a structure. I’ve always been on the lookout for mentors, teachers and this search dissapointed me a lot. I am my laziest version now.
When i get the courage I ask people how they learn, how they made those connections, how they proceed in different cases, it’s like I’m asking people how to use brain ‘normally’. I feel retarded. I probably look retarded to them by asking such things.
It gets worse day by day the only thing that’s been improving is me hiding the state of my inner self. Lately my mood swings are getting extreme without a conscious reason. My moon is progressed in Cancer almost opposite my rising now and this might be also part of the equation (?)
In certain conversations, I always feel the need to give away how stupid I am, how little I retain, how bad I am with numbers, logic or anything like that so I don’t mislead anyone. I can’t focus on the actual process of learning or giving information because this **** popps up in my mind/emotional system automatically, so I avoid those actions. I wish I weren’t this type of ‘aim higher’ person but ..all people want to aim higher, we all want to grow. I’ve always dreamed big. That’s me being home. I’ve been an idealistic airy-dreamy type…impractical sometimes but down to earth in a way.
And now I’m struggling to be at least mediocre, to gather my **** together and move forward but I feel that with every effort, the lights of my aspirations fade. I don’t even know at what I’m heading to, if/when I move at all. And it’s not a thought of a week, this dark period it’s been over 5 years. Mid/end of highschool – last year of faculty. I hope for miracles but I’m afraid I won’t recognize them when they’ll come.
I try to find confort in believing that it will get better with age since as a cappy asc I go through so much trouble now but what if this will be 1/3 of my life if i don’t ..make steps in the right direction? It just got worse by now. And it’s been reflected in my academic record and in my knowledge…I really can’t stuff information in my head, this depresses me so much…I feel like a fraud and that makes me self-conscious enough to keep my mouth and everything else shut.
Everyone embraces this modern version of ‘save yourself’…How can I go with this when I feel like I’m stuck. People do what they’ve been tought. If one doesn’t experience the nourishment and love how can anyone seriously believe that this person can save herself.. It’s just like that thing where somebody described that being depressed is like trying to peel a potato with another potato. People are saying “Use a potato peeler, jeez” and they hand you another potato.
I know what codependency feels like and I don’t want to get myself lost in the same dynamic I was before but I realized that getting the help you need in order to grow and focus on your path is part of being a powerful person. I never wanted to be a burden to anyone and I def want to be on my own feet and this is a great pressure on someone who feels like can’t make it by herself. Actually this pressure stems from the fact that I need to and want to be independent so much but at the core I’m really not that tough at all. I can’t grow on my own but at the same time I reject everything else. I am stuck. My resistance ‘protects’ me from even getting help.
Saturn will enter Capricorn in 2.5 years, which is my rising sign and my third house as a Scorpio. It sounds like apocalypse taking into account what I’ve described here. I’ve felt like I’m just digging more into hell actually. Will I experience all my life through these depressed lenses? I feel like I am not hit hard enough although I am bleeding more and more. I lost my passion (the emblem of a scorpio even), my solarity, maybe because it has been misused in these wannabe-relationships (mars in 7th house) but those were the days when I thought I was genuinly happy. When everything seemed to be fine.
I didn’t want to make it sound like I wrote this just so I can get it out of my system and turn back to my normal life… because this is my reality. I don’t just complain and yet magic still happens…I am in this state because I couldn’t pull it off. There are so many things I’ve always wanted to say and ask especially on astrology communities since this has been the only tool that helped me to keep me sane. I usually never succeed at putting them together and what I wrote might be very chaotic and I really have no idea how much of the real state of things I managed to deliver and how clearly you will get it. People won’t take me seriously when I talk openly, they don’t believe it is “that bad” and that I need to just have this and that and I’ll be fine. Like sprinkling some self-confidence and motivation magic dust whom I have by chance.
I want to do what I’ll do because I love it and motivates me, because it says “yes this is me” and it makes me grow, because this is ethically and morally what makes me happy and proud. That’s when I’ll probably be good at whatever that is/those are.
Besides recommending me going to a therapist which it’s hard to find one who’s compatible with me and my issues (also I’m supposed to become one someday), any other opinions?
I’ll say the placements here:
8 Moon in the last degrees of 8th house – lord of my 7th house (also conjuncts Valentine exactly, Vindemiatrix by 1 degree – I’m concerned with this one about my mother; Sisyphe by 2 degrees) 21 Mercury in 9th house – lord of my 5th and somewhat 8th house (conjuncts Spica by 2 degrees)
14 Mars in 7th house – lord of my 3rd house (conjuncts Ceres by 1 degree)
10 Venus R in 10th house – lord of my 2nd and 10th house (conjuncts Apollo exactly and Nymphe by 1 degree) 8 Sun conjunct MC – lord of my 8th house 21 Jupiter – lord of my 11th and 12th house 14 North Node (conjunct Eros)
5 Saturn R Pisces in 2nd house 
12 Capricorn rising loosely conjunct Neptune (9 degrees), Nemesis by 2 degrees and Lilith 1181 by 3 degrees
DSC conjunct Vesta by 2 degrees
My planetary dominants are: Pluto, Venus and Saturn. In that order. I lack Mercury and Moon energy (they are about 0,7% or something like that).
~*~ How do you deal with Moon, Mercury afflicted by Saturn?
~*~ How do you take your power back and focus on what you want because I feel like the ego is gone in terms of being proactive, following ambitions etc
~*~ How do you help yourself to..unlock your smarts and your perseverence to do that?
~*~ How did you develop if you have dealt with saturnian energy consistently? How I should ..I don’t know, anything you say after you’ve read this is helpful to me.
P.S. Do you think the moment when my natal Venus will come out of R period by progression will signify meeting the right person? 2 years ago when Saturn transited my Venus, a solar eclipse took place right on my natal Venus’ degree (that never happend since I was born and it was big deal… I met this person who changed completely they way I perceive emotionally everything. I mean I’ve been broken before, I’m used to it…but the lessons from this experience are still hard to understand and assimilate even after 2 years. I feel like I didn’t know what was compassion til I met him and at the same time It felt like the prank of my life – was a lot of deception involved. He expanded my vision mentally, spiritually but all these subtle gifts came with a price. My physical and mental health were stretched a lot and I depended too much on that connection…so, hope it’s done with karmic cleansing cuz I know I ain’t getting back in none of the **** I was before).
Too many words and brackets, I know.
