Clara Infante never thought she would become one of those women who complained about sleep. For years, she could fall asleep quickly and sleep through anything. But after having three children, everything changed. The combination of disrupted sleep from babies, her husband’s increasingly loud snoring and her own heightened sensitivity to noise created a streak of long, sleepless nights.
What started as an occasional night on the couch eventually became a nightly routine. Although sleeping on the sofa was a regular thing, it wasn’t until Infante and her husband moved to a bigger house that their separate sleeping arrangements really solidified. Infante’s husband suggested she try sleeping in their new guest room instead of on the couch, and she had one of the best nights of sleep. That simple move led to a distinct shift in their marriage.
What is a sleep divorce?
A sleep divorce doesn’t involve lawyers or custody battles; it only involves separate sleeping arrangements. Dr. Fariha Abbasi-Feinberg, a board-certified sleep medicine physician and neurologist, prefers to call it a “healthy sleep partnership” rather than using the term “sleep divorce,” which she says can carry negative connotations.
“Sleep is so important for everyone, and both partners in a relationship deserve to get good quality sleep,” she says. “If there are various factors that are interfering with one or the other partner’s sleep, and it absolutely cannot be adjusted, then having separate sleeping arrangements is something that can work for some couples.”
The practice is more common than many people realize. According to a survey by the American Academy of Sleep Medicine, approximately one-third of Americans occasionally or consistently sleep in a separate room from their partner. Historically, it isn’t the first time couples have slept separately, as couples often slept in separate beds during the Victorian era.
Regaining autonomy at home
“We weren’t being very nice to each other in the mornings,” Infante says, recalling when they used to sleep in the same room. Sleep-deprived, they’d get into big arguments that had nothing to do with anything other than the fact that they didn’t sleep well.
Abbasi-Feinberg says that Infante’s experience tracks with research on sleep and relationships. “We know that if people don’t sleep well, it can affect the relationship,” she says. “Lack of sleep and sleep loss in general causes loss of empathy, so people tend to be a little bit more grumpy, and they tend to probably argue and have more conflict if they’re not sleeping well.”
When Infante moved to her own room, the change went beyond just better rest. Having separate bedrooms gave each partner a sense of individual autonomy they had lost during their rapid transition from dating to marriage to parenthood.
“Having separate rooms has meant that I get to be an individual in our house, and he can be an individual in our house,” Infante says, explaining how they each decorate their room exactly as they like it. For her, it meant painting her room cheery shades of pink and hanging up art pieces that didn’t fit with the rest of the house.
When you might benefit from a sleep divorce
When one partner works unusual hours or is on call or when night owls clash with early risers, the constant disruption can leave both people exhausted. Similarly, environmental preferences, such as conflicts over room temperature, lighting or noise levels, like TV watching, can make shared sleep challenging for some couples.
Medical issues are another big culprit behind sleep disruption between partners. If one partner snores, has sleep apnea or REM sleep behavior disorder (a condition where people act out their dreams and may inadvertently hurt their partner), separate sleeping arrangements can provide rest while the underlying condition is addressed.
However, Abbasi-Feinberg stresses the importance of addressing underlying medical conditions. “If you’re sleeping separately because your bed partner snores, please have them evaluated,” she says. “It could be the sign of an underlying sleep disorder such as sleep apnea.”
The logistics of sleep divorce
The success of Infante’s arrangement hinged on communication, and Abbasi-Feinberg notes that several crucial elements must align when considering a sleep divorce.
Mutual agreement: “It has to be agreed upon by both parties,” Abbasi-Feinberg says. “There cannot be any resentment on one side or the other.” Infante and her husband had multiple conversations about their comfort levels and potential issues before she moved into her own bedroom.
Equal comfort: Both partners need comfortable sleeping arrangements. “You can’t take one partner and stick them on a couch somewhere while the other gets the king-size bed,” says Abbasi-Feinberg.
Maintaining intimacy: “You miss that time, that spontaneity,” Abbasi-Feinberg says. “But you’ve got to work that in somewhere else in your life. You can’t skip out on the talking before bed, cuddling before bed, and expect that it may not be an issue down the line.”
Infante and her husband schedule regular date nights and time for intimacy. “Friday night is Friday night,” she says.
Separate bedrooms aren’t the only solution for sleep-incompatible couples. Other alternatives include separate blankets while sharing a bed, which allows each person to maintain their preferred temperature. A body pillow barrier down the middle of the bed can reduce movement transfer, or couples might consider two beds in the same room.
Breaking the taboo
Infante says she once judged couples who didn’t share a bed. Today, she sees it differently, sharing that there are plenty of couples who share a bed and hate each other. For her, sharing a bed made her relationship better.
Since they started sleeping in separate rooms, Infante has grown much more comfortable sharing their sleeping arrangements with friends and online. Her openness has encouraged others to follow suit. In a video she posted on social media, the comments flooding in have been mostly positive, commending her for destigmatizing alternative sleeping arrangements. Some of her friends have even followed her lead in sleeping separately.
Abbasi-Feinberg agrees that the arrangement itself isn’t the problem. “Nobody said you have to sleep together all the time,” she says. “Every relationship is different. If a couple doesn’t feel like they’re missing out on anything, then, and it works for them, I have absolutely no issue with that.”
Two years into separate rooms, Infante is grateful for the change.
“It’s not that it saved our marriage,” she says. “But it removed something which was a real issue in our marriage, which was that we weren’t sleeping and then we weren’t being nice to each other in the morning.”
For couples struggling with sleep compatibility, the expert advice is to start small. Abbasi-Feinberg recommends trying it for a week and discussing the results to weigh the pros and cons. Sometimes the best thing for a relationship is a good night’s sleep, even if that means sleeping apart.
Photo by Monkey Business Images/Shutterstock
