When the term “unconditional love” became current, it marked a change in how we view love itself. A mother loves her newborn child without reservation, and romantic love, in its first stages of infatuation, can make the beloved seem perfect. But it was new to believe that love without reservation, completely forgiving and accepting, could exist between two people in everyday life – in other words, a spiritual dimension has to be involved. This means that to love yourself unconditionally must come from a higher level. Looking in the mirror, all of us see too many flaws and remember too many past wounds and failings to love ourselves unconditionally.
There is a path to unconditional love, as with any spiritual aspiration. On this path, there is a beginning, middle, and end. Let me describe them a little to give you an idea of how the path unfolds.
Beginning: You see yourself as wanting and needing love, usually more than you are receiving. You feel insecure about being lovable, but your ego is there to boost you (or not). You love others for the most part according to how much they love you or appeal to your sense of romance, sexuality, and compatibility. Relationships involve a constant negotiation between what you want and what your partner wants. The words that apply to love include the following: passion, attachment, dependency, merging, romance, mutual need, liking, and compatibility.
Middle: When you aspire to a higher kind of love, ego and neediness begin to count for much less. You feel that love can be a healing force that binds everyone. You can love someone else without needing anything from them. Such love begins to be less personal and attached. Your awareness expands, and you feel less insecure. Love becomes more mature and peaceful. Relationships involve mutual appreciation; there are fewer conflicts between two defensive personalities. The words that apply to love include the following: idealistic, calm, unselfish, giving, empathic, forgiving, and accepting.
End: When all limitations are left behind, love becomes unconditional. You feel that it emerges from a spiritual source inside yourself. This is more than a feeling; you’ve tapped into a universal aspect of Being. No longer do you have a personal stake in the people you love. Pure compassion is possible now and a sense of belonging to the human family. Relationships involve no struggle or contending needs and wants. Love becomes a self-sufficient state of fulfillment. The words that apply to love include the following: blissful, transcendent, saintly, luminous, ecstatic, and boundless.
As you can see, the term “unconditional” isn’t being used lightly. It’s about a process that reaches an exalted goal, while at the same time there are glimpses of bliss and joy along the way. As with all spiritual aspirations when they are real, unconditional love is natural. It can be felt in a baby’s innocence or the sight of a sublime sunset. What’s challenging is to hold on to these passing moments, to turn them into a permanent state. Yet every step on the journey is worthwhile, just as any aspect of healing is always worthwhile.
Looking at the beginning, middle, and end of the path to unconditional love, you don’t need to judge where you belong. All of us have felt at least a few instances where we were perfectly loved and completely lovable. For most people, these times go back to childhood or a first romance. How, then, do we regain such a state? By walking the path that lies ahead. The world’s spiritual traditions have provided many road maps, but here I’ll offer a few common elements without religious overlay.
The path involves
- Making contact with your inner self.
- Honestly facing your inner obstacles and resistance.
- Dealing with old wounds.
- Forgiving your past.
- Accepting where you are right now.
- Forming relationships where you feel loved and appreciated.
- Practicing the kind of love you aspire to receive.
If you spend time every day with one or two of these steps, you will find that there is a practical road to love that exceeds what you have in your life today.
Step 1. Making contact with your inner self.
This implies paying more attention to self-care. Through meditation, self-reflection, or contemplation, and the experience of quiet at least a few minutes every day, you make contact with your inner world. You learn to appreciate and enjoy it.
Step 2. Honestly facing your inner obstacles and resistance.
Most people don’t like to face their weaknesses and flaws because they judge against them. But you are only human, and you will find that your sense of insecurity and anxiety represents feelings form the past that can be healed. In fact, they want to be released if you give them a chance. The first step in healing is to look inside and let the process of releasing begin. Healing can proceed along many avenues, from therapy and support groups to energy work, massage, mind-body programs, and various Eastern medical approaches.
Step 3. Dealing with old wounds.
One could also call this advanced healing. As old residues of negative emotions are released, you find that you are stuck with resentments, hurts, and scars that must be dealt with. Beneath the scar, such wounds feel very fresh. It takes help from someone else who understands the situation to go into these dark places – it could be a close friend, mentor, confidante, priest, or therapist. No one can do this work alone, I feel, but I’m not underlining any sense of danger or fear. The work can be done safely, without anxiety, and once you start, there’s a tremendous sense of exhilaration, even triumph in the process. Just find someone who has walked the path successfully and sympathizes with you fully.
Step 4. Forgiving your past.
You shouldn’t jump too quickly into forgiveness. It’s all too easy to pretend to yourself that you forgive old hurts and abusive treatment, when in fact what you are eager for is to escape the pain. The absence of pain, achieved through healing, gives you the right foundation for deep, lasting forgiveness. Self-acceptance is required first, and the realization that you – and everyone around you – has been doing the best they can from their own level of awareness. This can be quite a challenge when someone has hurt you deeply, but you can’t fully separate from wrongdoing until you accept that others are trapped inside a reality they can’t escape.
Step 5. Accepting where you are right now.
This, too, is a stage you shouldn’t jump into too quickly. The present moment isn’t free of the burdens, memories, and wounds of the past. They must be attended to before you can look around, breathe easily, and love the moment you are in right now. A good beginning is to catch yourself when you have a bad memory and say, “I am not that person anymore.” For the truth is that you aren’t.
Step 6. Forming relationships where you feel loved and appreciated.
The path to unconditional love isn’t meant to be lonely. You should walk it with people who reflect the love you see in yourself. You are likely to look around at some point and realize that not everyone among your family and friends is in sync with your aspirations. Without rejecting them, you have the right to find people who understand the path you’re walking and sympathize with it. They are more likely to appreciate you for who you are now and who you want to become.
Step 7. Practicing the kind of love you aspire to receive.
Long ago, around the time I wrote a book called The Path to Love, I encountered many people, most of them women, who were constantly waiting for “the one” to show up and sweep them off their feet. But the only way to realistically find “the one” is to be “the one” yourself. Like attracts like, and the more you live your own ideal of love, the more your light will draw another light to you. This single point, I am told, has helped the most people find their love.
I’ve had to abbreviate these points, but the steps to unconditional love unfold naturally once you begin to devote attention to them. You were born to be perfectly loved and completely lovable. The loss of that status is what’s unnatural, not wanting to return to it. The return means reconnecting with your true self. The path has been walked successfully for centuries, so I hope you take heart and join the fortunate ones who aspire this high. There is no better time to begin than now.
DEEPAK CHOPRA MD, FACP, FRCP, is a Consciousness Explorer and a world-renowned pioneer in integrative medicine and personal transformation. Chopra is co-founder of DeepakChopra.ai, his AI twin and well-being advisor. He also co-founded Cyberhuman, a transformative suite of personalized health and well-being solutions. Chopra is a Clinical Professor of Family Medicine and Public Health at the University of California, San Diego, and serves as a senior scientist with Gallup Organization. He is also an Honorary Fellow in Medicine at the Royal College of Physicians and Surgeons of Glasgow. He is the author of over 95 books, translated into over forty-three languages, including numerous New York Times bestsellers.
For the last thirty years, Chopra has been at the forefront of the meditation revolution. His mission is to create a more balanced, peaceful, joyful, and healthier world. Through his teachings, he guides individuals to embrace their inherent strength, wisdom, and potential for personal and societal transformation.
In his latest book, “Digital Dharma” (Harmony/Rodale), Chopra navigates the balance between technology and expanded awareness, explaining that while AI cannot duplicate human intelligence, it can vastly enhance personal and spiritual growth. TIME magazine has described Dr. Chopra as “one of their top 100 most influential people.” www.deepakchopra.com.
