“UGH I can’t stand it when she does that.”
“Why doesn’t my dad just get it?”
“I definitely can’t tell them THAT. They’ll freak out.”
For 10 years, I taught junior high and high school. And for 10 years, I heard these phrases, and others, daily at class change, and overheard stories kids would tell their friends while they worked on assignments. As teachers can attest to, there’s something about venting at school that just seems like a relief to kids. It’s where they share—whether you asked for it or not—what they need from their parents, and what drives them nuts.
This all happened as I was having and raising five babies/toddlers along the way, so I was taking careful notes of what to do and not do as a future parent of teens. While it might seem like a bunch of pubescent kids just spouting off—and sometimes it was—it also pointed to a deeper issue. I realized how essential it was to stay connected with teens during some of their hardest years, especially as mental health concerns for kids and teens spike. Pew Research reports that four in 10 U.S. parents are extremely or very worried about their children struggling with anxiety or depression. Yet, I realized as a teacher, some teens aren’t communicating about the barriers keeping them from a close relationship with parents. Others are, but it’s not working.
“For me, it’s really about the relationship that a teen has with their child. We can’t ask our teens to share with us, if we haven’t been fostering a relationship with them in which we show them that we value their thoughts and options throughout their life,” says Dr. Erica Miller, a clinical psychologist at Connected Minds NYC in the Manhattan area.
Here are the most common gripes, both serious and trivial, from teens about their parents—and what teens hope for instead.
“I’ll never be good enough.”
Teens today have immense stress. If they don’t get perfect grades, they think their future is doomed. If they get perfect grades, they spend entire evenings shut in their room doing homework—not a great start for work-life balance, including movement, sunlight, friends, family and rest. If they are student athletes, they face pressures to win, get the scholarship, make the team and stay in excellent shape, even before their bodies and minds have fully developed. A little under half of teens feel pressure to fit in socially.
And finally, teens carry the other expectations their parents share outright, or subtly, be it about body image and looks, how they dress, where they go, who they hang out with and more. Teens in my class complained that parents were always “on their ass” or “wouldn’t leave them alone.” I believe what they were saying is they couldn’t get enough space from their parents’ expectations to create and attempt to live up to their own expectations for themselves—even if those were different from their parents.
Try this: Everyday, share some way that your teen is meeting your expectations, or even exceeding them.
“I can’t tell them that.”
I had a student who had been sexually assaulted, but was terrified to tell her mother—after all, she was at a party she wasn’t supposed to be at. I had students who were addicted to vaping and had no idea how to stop. They wanted to ask for help, but couldn’t bring themselves to share that not only had they broken all the rules and standards their parents set, but they were suffering the real-life consequences. These are just a few of the toughest things I’d overhear as a teacher (and of course, sometimes have to act on).
Why do kids feel they can’t share these things? See point number 1—they love their parents, typically, and are terrified to disappoint them. Lorraine Connell, teen leadership and empowerment coach and founder of Peers Not Fears, a leadership development program, in Wolfeboro, New Hampshire, shares this from her son, Bradyn Connell: “Vaping kids don’t know how to quit. I wish vaping wasn’t a thing, and it sucks that it is targeted to kids [and] looks cool, but it’s not and we aren’t taught anything about it,” he says.
Try this: This is a strategy I used with teens in my classroom that worked frequently. I’d find a letter or note on my desk almost daily. “Mrs. Frost, I’m having a hard time,” one might read. With no other details. But it was a window, a glimpse and an invitation. Aurisha Smolarski, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles, also recommends encouraging teens to write you a letter. Some parents keep a back and forth journal, email chain or text chain going, too, which comes in handy for those conversations that are tough to speak out loud. “For example, they might write, ‘Dear Dad, I get that you want to share all the things about your successes as the soccer team goalie, but when you do that, it makes me feel like I have to be like you and that you aren’t happy with what I am doing. Can you just ask about me instead of telling me about you?’” Smolarski suggests.
Bradyn Connell also suggests, “Parents could open up to kids and let them know they will help you. Help them figure out ways to quit. Open up and tell us what you’ve done. Put yourself in their shoes. Getting mad doesn’t help. Usually it’s because it helps you fit in or helps with anxiety.”
“They just won’t listen.”
Like anyone, teens sometimes don’t want a solution. Instead, they want a great listener. “Nothing turns a teen off more than a parent who turns every conversation into a lecture, who talks too much or who over-explains,” says Smolarski
A 2024 report from the National Center for Health Statistics found that only 27.5% of teenagers between the ages of 12 and 17 years of age reported receiving the social and emotional support they need from their parents. So, consider the impacts of listening and validating, versus fixing and suggesting, though it’s hard to do.
Try this: Miller says, “To empower teens to talk to their parents, we must show them that we care and value their opinions, that we believe them and their experiences and that we are curious—their thoughts matter to us.”
“I’m just not my sister.”
Teachers who work with multiple kids in one family through the years at the same school come to notice family dynamics. One common thread? Students pointing out they are not like their siblings, for better or worse. Like anyone, kids want to be individuals. “You may be tempted to compare your teen with other kids as a way to motivate them; however, this will only erode the self-esteem they are trying to build and is likely to backfire,” Smolarski says.
Try this: Eliminate all language that involves one child and another in the same sentence, such as “Well your brother never…” or “Your sister usually…”. While you’re at it, refrain from talking about your kid to other adults or family members as kids hit their teens, Smolarski says. “They find that embarrassing. They would prefer to do the talking themselves or have the option not to share.”
“I have no privacy.”
This one is a toughy, for teens, parents and teachers alike—you want to respect a teen’s personal space, especially digitally, to message friends, write the next bestselling rap song or look up things on the internet. But you also have to be an involved parent, with so many threats to teens online, from scams to strangers to potentially harmful content and behaviors. Along the way, teens can feel like their own privacy hangs in the balance, a vital part of teen development.
Lorraine Connell’s 14-year-old son, Elliot Connell, says his top parental complaints are coming into his room without knocking, no privacy on his phone and not letting him get certain apps.
Try this: Instead of passing down commands and rules, talk to your teen about dangers online, and work together on a reasonable expectation of privacy versus freedom in real life and on devices, so there are no surprises. “As parents, we make the final decisions, but giving our teens a voice in the conversation makes all the difference,” Lorraine Connell says.
“I’m so done with chores.”
Aren’t we all, my young friends? Zoe Johnson, 15, daughter of Jenn Johnson, certified clinical hypnotherapist at The Salt Water Effect in Newburyport, Massachusetts, hates chores. “She would rather not have to do anything and I support that to a certain extent but believe that kids should have some tasks to support the household,” Jenn Johnson says.
Students I worked with griped from the typical standoffs with their parents about cleaning their rooms, to heavier workloads like always being in charge of laundry and dishes. They seemed most distraught when they thought it was an unfair load, compared to parents or siblings, or something that they had no say in. As a parent, it made me wonder—is my room clean? Am I on my phone too much? And other double standards. “If you reprimand your teen about something, but they then turn around and see you engaging in the same behavior, they will be justifiably annoyed,” Smolarski says. “Teens look to their parents to model behavior. If you don’t set a good example, it will undermine your efforts as a parent, and your teen will likely notice and point it out.”
Try this: “I guess the way to empower her is to have her be part of choosing what she should do for the week. Allow her to choose and help from a list instead of demanding the same task over and over again,” Jenn Johnson says.
And one out-of-the-box idea to get on the same page
Zoe and Jenn have an annual review, “like you do at work,” Jenn Johnson says. “We check in and discuss our strengths and our weaknesses and we give each other feedback on what we need from each other. I give Zoe the space to speak honestly and freely without worry in a safe environment and she gives me true feedback on how I can help her and support her in the way that she needs it, not just the way I think she needs.”
Zoe Johnson adds, “When I was younger I thought these reviews were unnecessary and they weren’t beneficial to either of us. Now I can realize that my mom is giving me a safe space to share my thoughts and concerns, and these can really help both of us and keeping our relationship healthy and transparent. I also feel empowered to say this is a time to listen and not a time that I need constructive criticism on my actions.”
Reviews could be monthly, quarterly, a few times a year or annually.
Regardless, as Jenn Johnson says, give yourself a break. “I always think like this…this is the first time I have ever been a mom of a 15 year old and it’s the first time she’s been 15.”
Photo courtesy of fizkes/Shutterstock.
