Imagine if you disappeared for a week. Would things keep running smoothly? Would there be food in the fridge and kids arriving at school on time? Would things get clean and homework get done? Now, imagine the same for any other adults that you live with.
If one of you missing would send the household into utter chaos but another person being gone wouldn’t have much of an impact, chances are, you’re not sharing the mental load nearly enough.
What is the ‘mental load’ anyway?
Whether you’ve heard it referred to as “cognitive labor,” “emotion work,” “household labor” or “invisible mental load,” it all comes back to the same idea: the invisible work that comes with keeping a home and family going.
This idea extends well beyond who’s making dinner. It refers to “the anticipating, organizing, managing, evaluating, and decision-making tasks of housework and childcare.” While it can include things like meal preparation, cleaning, shopping and other visible tasks, it also includes the intangible stuff like planning ahead, keeping track of schedules and juggling priorities.
It’s easy for a mental load to become unequal without even realizing it. The key is recognizing the signs and doing what you can to even things out.
Why women often end up with the majority of the mental load
Women have often been associated with the home across cultures and time periods. Many idealize “simpler times” like the 1950s, when many women were full-time housewives. However, before anyone gets too swept up in the nostalgia, it’s important to remember that even these women were carrying more than their fair share of the mental load. Whereas their husbands would work for 40 hours a week and get paid for it, wives would be expected to do their work 24/7 without a cent of compensation.
Today, those expectations aren’t always a thing of the past. Instead, the mythical “supermom” appeared—the unrealistic standard that a woman could climb the corporate ladder while also doing the bulk of child care, keeping the home clean, cooking meals and more.
Being a “supermom” might sound like a compliment, but the reality is that it’s often a fast track to burnout and resentment. At the end of the day, we’re all only human, and everyone has a finite amount of time and energy to spend.
How to begin to share the load
Chanel Dokun, co-founder of Healthy Minds NYC , frequently coaches couples on this topic to help them better understand and split the mental load.
To start, she suggests examining the current division of responsibilities to see if it feels equitable. If not, it’s time to redistribute tasks based on time, competency and personal preference. This doesn’t have to be a perfect 50/50 split but should leave both people satisfied with the mental, emotional and physical load they’ll be carrying.
“Remember that ownership is essential to lightening the mental load for your partner, so be sure you’re managing a task from conception to execution to be truly fair,” Dokun says.
Splitting up tasks
During her studies on the disparity of cognitive labor, Allison Daminger, Ph.D, an assistant professor of sociology, identified four steps that most tasks fall into:
- Anticipating needs
- Identifying options for filling them
- Making decisions
- Monitoring progress
When splitting up the load, it’s important to remember that each of these steps is taking time, energy and focus from the person who ends up responsible for it.
For example, let’s say that you and your partner are both invited to a game night with friends. If you’re the person with the bulk of the mental load, you’ll likely ask if you should bring anything, figure out what to buy and buy it. Even if you ask your partner to go to the store instead, you’re still monitoring that task. They might feel like they did the most work since they went to a physical location, but you’re the one who spent the day distracted by your mental load.
Tips for sharing the load—when you’re used to carrying it all
When discussing the mental load, Dokun says that it’s important to start the discussion from a place of understanding, not assigning fault.
“Your partner may not have been aware of the impact of their inaction or action on you,” Dokun says. “Choose to believe their intentions have been above board and speak with grace and kindness (instead of shaming or blaming) to lead to the most productive outcome.”
“Make the invisible visible by first grounding your discussion in reality,” Dokun says. “A theoretical conversation on the division of labor is much less productive than a discussion on the reality of how you currently split responsibilities. Invite your partner to examine who is responsible for what (and that includes both the strategic planning and execution of tasks). Select the primary partner who most often manages everyday tasks like doing laundry, washing dishes, making meals or paying bills. Then discuss how those roles were decided—intentionally or accidentally?”
Remember that your partner can’t read your mind.
Dokun suggests that you keep contempt from taking hold in your relationship by exposing underlying expectations now.
“Do this by assessing your list of responsibilities and looking for signs of ‘emotional icebergs’—meaning, check for minor annoyances that might hint at deeper resentments, frustrations or outrage,” she says. “Do you secretly wish your partner would respond to more teacher emails since they sit in front of a computer all day while your work is more dynamic? Or do you wish they’d stay on top of bill paying since they are more comfortable with math? Put your hopes on the table.”
Tips for those who want to share the load but don’t know where to start
If you’re reading this and realizing you’re the one who needs to pick up the slack, don’t be too hard on yourself. Few people shirk the mental load on purpose—and certainly not to hurt their partner. The important thing is to step up now that you know and commit to change.
“Before rushing to revise the split of labor in the relationship, pay homage to the sacrifices your partner has made in the past and the impact this may have had on their well-being,” says Dokun.
In addition, Dokun says that you should expect internal resistance. “No one wants to do more,” she says, “That’s perfectly normal. You probably already feel stretched thin in your own way without taking on a set of responsibilities that your partner has been managing. Remind yourself that you’re not opting into doing your partner’s share—you’re owning your part of shared responsibilities.”
More than likely, there will be trial and error involved as you both get used to the new arrangement. Just remember to keep at it and do your part so that instead of floundering, your relationship can flourish.
Photo by Prostock-Studio/iStock.com
